Seasonal Dis-Ease

This is the time of year when cyclists go batshit crazy. When you’ve been locked indoors for five months since your last decent ride and realize that—despite the piles of snow on the ground—your first century of the year is less than 12 weeks away.

In the summer, when long, beautiful rides are plentiful, it’s harder to see, but during the endless New England winters, the parallels between cycling and addiction are painfully obvious.

For me, the symptoms of withdrawal start benignly enough, with occasional visits to ride websites to find the dates of next year’s events. The only clues that something might be out of place are that these visits begin in November, they’re compulsive and increasingly frequent, and they’re followed by angry outbursts when I learn that the new dates *still* haven’t been published yet!!! How am I supposed to make meticulous detailed plans with my buddies if they don’t publish the dates, even though the rides might still be ten months away!?!?

My other symptom is a desperate quest for a substitute for my regular cycling fix. However, as every cyclist knows, the bliss of a long ride has to be experienced directly; it’s not something you can capture in written or spoken words.

Yet trapped indoors by the ice and snow, that’s the best substitute I can think of. So I spend long hours online, trying to find a blog or writer who has been able to distill and eloquently communicate the essence of the ride.

But it’s a futile search that always ends in disappointment; there is simply no substitute for the fusion of man and machine, feeling the wind of one’s passage, and the sense of gliding through life’s amazing skies, rivers, woods, and mountains.

As the cruel weeks and months pass, the quest becomes ever more desperate.

You anxiously await the arrival of your monthly cycling magazines, but many of them also go into hibernation, at best printing a single combined January/February issue at the point when hope is most desperately needed.

You start looking over old YouTube videos of you and your buddies’ rides. Even the really horrible, low-res ones from 2005.

Then you start doing really crazy things, like digging one of your favorite cycling caps out of the closet and wearing it around the house in vain. If you’re lucky, you have enough shame to prevent you from wearing it outside the house…

Or watching cycling-related anime series. For those of you who find yourselves in such desperate straits, there’s Over Drive and Yowamushi Pedal.

And your legs start getting really itchy. That might be because they haven’t been used since September, or it might be because you haven’t shaved them since then. You now have regular-Joe leg hair, and you have to really look to find last year’s tan lines. Is February too early to start shaving them again?

And then comes the final, humiliating, ultimate admission of your addiction: you find yourself thinking longingly about working out on the indoor trainer.

Heaven forbid any of us should ever reach such abject depths of despair!